wow my block leave just disappeared into near nothingness.basically over this one weekend plus monday, i'll be booking in and out of camp a total of 4 times. nonsense.
just applied for NUS again, hoping to get a course in accountancy there, shouldn't be too difficult i think haha. the prospect of a scholarship also beckons- its a long shot, but it'd be great if i somehow pull it off.
ok bye.
just applied for NUS again, hoping to get a course in accountancy there, shouldn't be too difficult i think haha. the prospect of a scholarship also beckons- its a long shot, but it'd be great if i somehow pull it off.
ok bye.
posted by jon at
2:39 AM
6 Comments:
i just need a space that i can at least close half an eye and call my own.
therese asked me last night what i was doing. it was only then that i realized.
" just looking at a comment from my ex girlfriend" i said. and it hit me right there and then.
That was the first time i've referred to her as that to anybody. and somehow it just made the pain and everything more real again. i thought i was on the up. i even tagged her in some fb post.
i felt that confident.
but when i told therese that, i immediately just felt all of it again. I'm not ok. I'm so far gone. I'm so unstable i don't even know I'm unstable. I thought i was getting over you. over us. things were actually looking up.
but just that one sentence made me realize how badly messed i am.
i watched new years eve with therese and edwin. it was a nice show that i enjoyed on the outside. but everything reminded me of us. or what used to be us.
just being in a cinema. watching a show like walk to remember, or ps i love you. or love actually. all these holiday season feel good shows. christmas, new years, i don't want it to come.
i really don't. i hate thinking about it. i hate thinking about all this feeling and attachment and magic we created over time for these special periods.i drove past the orchard road and saw the christmas lights.
i hate this feeling in my heart right now. it just aches and it chokes me.
how did it change so fast. i read through her cards she sent to me while on exchange. always the same message - that she was happy i gave her freedom, that we were in a special place where we could trust each other, that it was just a matter of months before we were together again. that being together was what we wanted.
whats the point. what good is thinking about all this going to do? maybe it'll make me numb to these thoughts.
crumbling, dying inside. all these feelings i have once I'm alone. i really thought i was getting better.
why do i do it.
it always happens. i always feel sad all over again every time. and yet i still do it.
in a way, i guess i like how we used to be. i yearn for it. and yet, i know we can't ever have that again.
maybe i just do it because i hope to make myself numb to it eventually.
sigh.
she's beautiful. thats what i think to myself sometimes when i steal a long look at her. i remember everything that was. i wish the person i was looking at was still mine.
i love how we are together, even now. kinda. she knows what I'm thinking, she knows how to help me, we get things done in our way. we were a team, once.
once, for 6 years, we were a team. there was nothing we couldn't do. and we were always there for each other. i really loved her with everything. i gave everything. i held nothing back. and neither did she.
i want it all back. i wish i could just wake up. and celebrate christmas.
not dread it.
she came over to help with the christmas tree today. i let slip the word "babe" twice when i referred to her, i don't know if she heard. but each time i just felt like slapping myself.
every time after i park the car at home, there's a part of me that doesn't want to leave the car.
in the car, i am doing something, I'm traveling. once I'm done traveling, its as if i don't want , or i don't know what to do at my destination.
going home used to mean i would call her. it used to mean we would be sleeping soon. but there's none of that now. when i leave my car, I'm just going back to nothing. and i dread it. i dread being in the moments where there used to be some element of us.
still another week of ict. sigh, whatever.
it hurts to know that she cheated.
i loved deeply and got hurt.
i guess i'll be one of those people now.
sigh.
just wanna sleep alright tonight.
oh well.
i don't have a special someone.
sigh.
i'm getting sick of saying i wish, i miss.
whats the point.
tomorrow's christmas eve. I'm not feeling it at all. it's probably the most unchristmassy I've ever felt. perhaps its for the best too anyway, so many memories.
2011 has i guess overall been a tough terrible year.
fwocers. 2nd floor. touch. friends who reached out to me after the breakup. aca people. they're all important, and probably the best bits of my year. but thats it.
other than that. i spent 5 months waiting to get back together with mandi while she was on exchange. in that time i was emo topsy turvy. and my grades weren't as good as they should have been.
i spent a holiday with her while she loved another guy. sigh that one really hurts. to me it was supposed to be like a testing ground kind of thing. we'd never spend so much time tgt by ourselves in another country planning and doing stuff by ourselves.
sigh.
utterly miserable.
i just want to be by myself and fall asleep and wake up and be ok.
i still have the papers from the time when she told me she was ready to move on to a new relationship. it's just there, hidden underneath my planner on my desk.
made the mistake of clicking on some fb link someone posted - it was a video clip of the love actually bit where she got the idea of writing on the cards from.
watched it a few more times. to remember. to numb myself. to get over it. to indulge. i don't know whats the right thing to do. i just do what i feel i need to do.
christmas eve dinner and cathedral in a few hours. then christmas mass at dawn in a few more hours. all the time i just want to not be here. i don't want to remember. i don't want to feel all this pain. because christmas was special to us. it's where it all started. that one late night christmas night chat on msn.
and we made it a point to make christmas special from then on. and we did. i hope i don't cry in the next few hours. in front of people. because it really feels like i could break down.
maybe i'll be better in a years time. maybe.
but not this christmas.
this christmas is one i could do without.
it's the first one in a long time that i've had without you.
sigh i can't do it.
i can't pretend i believe mandi doesn't read this now.
i guess i'll have to find another way.
it's been a rough rough year.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home