where do i stand
I am very confused, and somewhat troubled now. i wish there were somebody i could talk to about all this but as it is, there really isn't anybody i feel who can give me a real answer. there're a bunch of people who i could chat about it with. but just nothing that would be conclusive.
so im writing here. because writing here is in a way talking to myself. and while the thought of me going crazy talking to myself just crossed my mind, i think perhaps a self reflective approach is more appropriate.
did i get left behind as my fellow peers rode the tide that is growing up?
or am i just the only one with my head above the water.
my friends seem very casual about relationships, sex, the whole nine yards. are they really? or is it just 'guy talk' ? honesty is one thing, sometimes i just feel its almost a show of bravado. when did it ever get to this stage?
and why didn't i get to it.
it used to be that i thought i was the right one. correct answers, thinking values, all that.
how now cow?
posted by jon at
7:29 AM
29 Comments:
ah heck i can't be bothered to ask mandi for her password to edit my posts. so this will have to do.
the solution is pretty simple isn't it? I just wanted somebody to talk to, to connect with. so why not keep a journal? i know its not the same as actually talking to another person, so maybe i'll feel angsty and what not again sometime soon, but perhaps it'll tie me through for a bit.
so i've been a bit down lately. i swear vday triggered it. its not so much that i think its a super special occasion that i had to spend with mandi. in fact its not like that at all. i just realised on vday, how much i really missed connecting with someone else. all the time. anytime. its different from you know, just hanging out. talking nonsense. i want someone i can open up to.
i'm not about getting super deep or anything. sometimes talking nonsense with someone you're just totally at ease with can be really fulfilling as well. most times it's like that.
i know i cant continue being miserable. and emo. god i really didnt expect myself to be like that. at all! ah well, hence this blog post. just to get things off my chest, to feel like i'm talking to somebody. could be therapeutic you know.
lets hope this turns out well.
15Feb2011
haha just realised mandi probably gets notifications about these posts. hi there!
was looking for company last night. i found it in a beer. 2.5 pints actually. in an hour. felt like a loser.
but convinced myself that i was just giving myself a break.
I hope, this blog, this comments section serves as a good replacement for an indulgent night of beer.
but i think i know, that this is really just a temporary solution.
gotta get myself out of this rut.
i don't even know how i got here.
singing aca made things better (: and mandi's off for more snow boarding so i'm looking to hear more stories of that (:
8am tomorrow! and yet another biz anal lecture. tsk really gotta pull myself through biz anal.
its gotta be done!
ugh just spend about 2 hours on choir prac. the numbers were really really pathetic. sigh. it got better later on. but for the first part, we were so disorganised distracted etc. felt like a big waste of time. the choir really misses mandi, in my opinion. like even warm ups arent conducted convincingly. guess it's just frustrating. its not like i could do a better job. but i guess those in charge should be able to take better control?
my gosh i really didnt expect exchange to be quite this difficult. was feeling lonesome again so here i am writing.
do you ever get that you're just mediocre? i remember that top of the world feeling back in sji days. i really had that, got it all wrapped up kind of feeling. lord knows why i ever thought it would be okay to slack the rest of my life away.
i wanna be good at things again. maybe not just good, like obviously good. ah bah i don't know what i'm going on about.
wish mandi was online. but she's prob just wrapping up her boarding. maybe it's just better if i go to sleep. god i miss company.
and i need money! havent got the money back from alvin yet for all the cupcakes. bizcom test on friday. got a good remark for my email thing though, was quite happy about that.
oh god i think im moody. like mood swingy. cause this morning i was feeling great. haha like really great, especially after all the vday nonsense. eh wait not this morning, this evening, on the way to physics tutorial. playing fuck you on my iphone, just felt happy. positive. and then got the good comment about the email after my tutorial. felt even better.
good enough to watch jarhead. some afghan war movie, but didnt have the action i thought it was gonna have. went to support badminton. lost that cause sheares just imported the ivp captain. real dicks.
then choir. as above. finished up jarhead. got lonely. good lord. i cant leave myself to be alone or idle for too long i think. omg im really turning into some pussy. gahh.
gotta snap out of this.
please soon. sigh.
i hate the emoness of my posts.
i really need someone.
how the heart aches.
how the soul longs.
ugh. dick heads so freaking late.
where the hell is everybody.
sigh.
it's the dinners.
and the night time.
and i look on.
good lord. i really have been emo this sem.
just running through some of my posts on fb.
my god how do all these LDR's work. the lack of communication is wearing me way down.
don't just go off like that. it's hard enough with you being so far away. i needed a talking to.
a reprieve. whew.
neh waited an hour more for jules to be done after fencing.
and my cut the rope game got reset! so now i gotta do all the levels again till i can try out the new vday box ! :(
aw man kinda wanna catch no strings attached.milli mentioned it earlier today.
and really wanna do the bizad blind thing. heard about it before, but outside it was like a hundred over dollars, for fund raising of course.
but i really don't have anyone to ask.
who am i kidding? i don't want to catch no strings attached with a bunch of guys. i just want to laugh about it and talk about it with a girl. there. a girl. and not just any girl because i'm not desperate for just plain female attention, or any random girl to talk to. but someone i can really talk to. someone i can be comfortable with.
don't get me wrong, there're a number of girls i know now who i'm comfortable with. but none really present. present just for the mundane stuff. the stuff that you don't pay much attention to.
first day of recess week. feeling better. gotta get this going.
feeling that old drive and in a better mood already.
gotta make this last.
carling cup final tonight! going over to the teoh's place to watch with the krygsmans.
where is your boy tonight
i hope he is a gentleman.
it's a slightly odd feeling to be letting go so much. a lil more than i would have been comfortable with. but not so much for me to want to restrict you.
i wish i could find something, someone to hold on to.
you connect so well with him. it's no wonder you cant really understand the way i feel. the mad loneliness i didnt think i could ever feel.
a feeling that eats you.
but still, i don't want to drag you down in my emoness. i want you to really enjoy yourself. truly.
i wonder if i didnt try, would you look for me half as often?
don't you see that i'm missing you terribly. its not that i dont want you to have fun, or don't want you to study. but just a lil more balance on my side would be much appreciated.
its only fair i leave a positive feeling on this blog while i'm feeling positive.
and also because i want to remember this (:
jiani vernon and vern have been a blessing the past weeks. its amazing. its amazing that we managed to click.
because they're all final yrs.
because i thought i would hate "singing acapella" the most.
because i'd never properly talked to any of them before.
because i wasn't even looking for anything more than just a 2 hour practice session.
but somehow everything clicked. i enjoyed their humor. and their digs at people haha. i enjoy being young, in a way. kind of like how i always wanted someone older? to help me along and stuff?
thats them. all of them (:
and its amazing, it really is. new friendships.
and dont get me wrong, im not even sure how long these will last, im not that naive,but for now. it really is golden. and im so thankful for them.
in a nutshell,
Vernon- like a freaking legend. in aca. and overall nice guy as well. love his humor.
Jiani- older than me. but still giving off that cute little girl vibe. some innocence, but still so much to share behind all that.
Vern- attitude. the kind of girl you see who looks like she could just throw caution to the wind any time she wanted.
and all of them just keep sharing. and bitching. and enjoying the humor. and the reactions of each other. i hadn't felt so comfortable in awhile.
i never thought i'd feel this comfortable in KR. it didnt always feel like a good fit for me.
until you guys came, and then those short practice sessions, talking sessions, drinking here and there- really just lit up my life in KR.
and i'll really miss you guys when you go.
i know its a lil early,
but i love you guys.
Vernon, Jiani and Vern.
Thank you always.
Jon
:( just had the last prac for singing acapella. vernon brought eggtarts from jb and made it feel even more like a "last" kind of thing.
i'm gonna miss these times so bad. i took a few moments while we were singing to just observe everything.
the room. the walls. the light. the people. just trying to soak it all in. because well, there's not gonna be any more of that? and i'll miss it.
omgg emo man. but thankful. but emo haha.
night guys.
wah damn emo now.
Aca in house concert was yesterday night, but im missing aca alr. its so.... :(
can't explain it.
im so happy to have known the special bunch of people. im so happy to have been able to open up to them. im so happy they opened up to me.
but so many of them are leaving, you almost want to cry " not fair!"
SIGH.
it was a good run. a really good run.
got to know pei xun and livia as well. but still, all too soon, too soon.
i really don't want this to end. i hope i have it in me to put it aside and focus on upcoming exams.
sigh. it's really been so long since anyone's opened up to me. like really opened up. and then in a matter of months, i've had these 3 people-each wonderful in their own right, come into my life and shared so much. and it feels all warm and good to know that they're there, that they accepted me.
oh wow. i was just gonna say that its not that i've been seeking acceptance. but i realised thats actually what i've been doing, kinda of at least. As in, although i'm confident enough for my own liking, to carry out work, to mix and mingle and what not, i guess i have been looking for a certain level of comfort, a certain level of knowing another person.
it's why i wanted to be involved in hall. but i didnt quite find it. got close to a few people, but not really there.
And so thats why i'm so taken in by those 3 (:
And also why it's hard to accept that i'll have to let them go. the memories i'll keep. but it's really a huge sense of loss that comes over me whenever i think about the end of the sem, which was yesterday. or the start of the new one without them.
but i know that eventually, whether or not by the time final exams are upon me, that i will get this feeling of loss behind me, and i'll remember just the good times.
So thanks for making me feel like one of you guys.
Thanks for letting me in on all the stories and jokes, making me feel just like an excited child who's been let in on a secret.
Thanks for sitting around the room, jiani on the chair, vernon on the bed, and vern concussed halfway through practice - just enjoying the company.
Thanks for spontaneously breaking out into laughter, especially when we always mess up the lyrics to Singing Acapella.
Thanks for singing happy birthday omg. i was truly, just brimming with happiness when you guys were singing.
Thanks for keeping me hoping for singing acapella practices all through the day, because i'd drop almost everything to meet you guys.
Thanks for bringing such happiness into my life. You 3 are like the only people who can make my face genuinely light up and it's cause i'm really excited happy whenever i see you guys around.
Thanks for making me the funky fella (:
It's hard to explain how much they mean to me. but i guess the best explanation i can come up with is,
it's like falling in love. but with friends. sounds strange huh. but i looked forward to all the times we would be meeting up, and like i said, i just felt so happy each time we were all together. it felt perfect. no matter how many things i had at the back of my head, our meet ups always felt perfect. i tried to remember each moment spent with you guys, even while you were all in the room. and i always felt a tinge of sadness whenever we had to go.
yeah, i fell in love with my friends.
goodnight guys. Love you all.
Jon
i'm feeling so lost. like I'm grabbing at thin air.
Please won't just anybody ask me if i'm ok.
I may not tell you whats wrong. but i want to know someone's noticed me. someone's looking out for me.
we could have had it all.
and now i understand, how hard it is to love like you've never been hurt before.
this needs to go away. it needs to be solved.
i need to be able to trust you again. trust you fully.
but i'm not sure if i ever will be able to.
and what will become of us then?
Would you marry a woman you didn't fully trust?
Marriage is some way off.
but exchange is not. and it only takes a while to tear a relationship.
writing helps. but at the end of the post, i'm just reminded that i write only because I don't have anyone else to talk to.
i guess a part of me wants you to find these posts. so that you'll feel so bad you'll stop things with him.
but thats a fool's wish. what would it do for our relationship - nothing.
so this will be secret for now. hopefully forever.
If i do crack, it will be because i wasn't strong enough.
feeling better.
thanks.
made a decision to love again. wholeheartedly. i want to stick to it.
i really hope things work out this way.
i'm not sure if i can take another hit.
I don't know what will happen.
I'm laying myself out there again. please don't disappoint me again.
i want to tell you that i'm trying hard here to trust and move on.
and that you should do the same. or at least show/tell me you're doing the same.
i want you to be sensitive to me.
there're so many shadows lurking in my mind.
it's easy to feel like i've been taken advantage of.
and i feel it sometimes.
it may not be true. but i feel it.
i really hope that's not what's happening here, again.
once bitten, twice shy.
i'm leaving myself out here for the second time. so pls don't bite.
please.
i wish i felt more like the front i put up. i'm getting there. slowly. but for now there'll still be a mix of a front and what i really feel.
i don't know when this will be counted as over.
will it happen before exchange?
it won't be easy at all it doesn't.
I asked her how were things between him and her.
she only replied "dunno"
and when i said ".. thats it? "
she just said " don't really know what to say"
sigh.
I wish you'd reassure me somehow. but i know that right now thats probably too high a target for me to want.
so i just wish you'd be honest. I've told you this so many times before. honesty. truth. all that.
trust works both ways mandi.
i hope you see that soon.
i pray you see that soon.
cause i know intervening again or having one of those chats with you will only cause things to become worse again.
pls god don't let me be wrong.
help please.
It's 2:45 in the afternoon and i'm crying to myself.
Why does it always have to be a case where you're asking me whether you can go on this or that.
how late you can stay.
If i gave you total freedom, would you come back to me?
would you want to spend that time with me?
don't you want to pull back, on your own accord? Is this really the best arrangement you think, for us?
you tell me you're trying. i believe you. i trust you.
but when you tell me you've got no time and you're stressed. but you still spend the same amount of time with him. what am i supposed to get from that?
he's worth that much of your time? what about us?
Don't you realize that something's wrong when you have to start justifying that we spend enough time together, so that spending time with him doesn't sound so bad?
but i can't tell you all this. i can't help you see this. this needs to be sth i can see you realize by yourself.
and besides, i've tried before. and it doesn't make me truly happier.
3 months to exchange. its not a make or break all. but i think it will have a big impact on us.
sigh.
guess i'm just resigned.
for the record. it was october 16th.
everything was.
on october 16th.
if you read all this, would you know the pain i went through. would it have made a difference?
Would it have persuaded you not to let go of us so quickly?
There's no point thinking of such things. thats what i would tell myself.
but rational as i am, these thoughts keep popping into my head.
logic does not deal well with emotion.
this place feels quite private. so here it is.
I miss you. i miss you so terribly but i could never tell you how much.
i miss you and i wish we had never broken up. i wish i still had my dreams. i wish i still had your love.
i wish you really made it your choice to love. and not just let your emotions drag you where they may take you.
I wish you were sitting on my bed now, and i could turn around and get a hug from you.
I wish for everything that I'm missing now.
I feel worried for myself. i don't know when i'll be ok. it feels like i'll be in this state for a long while.
everytime i look at our photos, it just reminds me of how much we had together. of how much was given up.
i keep looking out for some signs of you you know. on fb. on your blog. i miss knowing all about you.
sometimes i can't believe its happened. sometimes i feel better. sometimes i feel i've gotten over things a bit. but when i see you with him in photos. it just reminds me how i was that guy. how i was your guy. how you were happy with me. how we made plans and dreams.
but there's none of that now. and there never will be.
i've gotta get used to that.
what else is there to say.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home