where do i stand

I am very confused, and somewhat troubled now. i wish there were somebody i could talk to about all this but as it is, there really isn't anybody i feel who can give me a real answer. there're a bunch of people who i could chat about it with. but just nothing that would be conclusive.

so im writing here. because writing here is in a way talking to myself. and while the thought of me going crazy talking to myself just crossed my mind, i think perhaps a self reflective approach is more appropriate.

did i get left behind as my fellow peers rode the tide that is growing up?

or am i just the only one with my head above the water.

my friends seem very casual about relationships, sex, the whole nine yards. are they really? or is it just 'guy talk' ? honesty is one thing, sometimes i just feel its almost a show of bravado. when did it ever get to this stage?

and why didn't i get to it.

it used to be that i thought i was the right one. correct answers, thinking values, all that.

how now cow?

wow my block leave just disappeared into near nothingness.basically over this one weekend plus monday, i'll be booking in and out of camp a total of 4 times. nonsense.

just applied for NUS again, hoping to get a course in accountancy there, shouldn't be too difficult i think haha. the prospect of a scholarship also beckons- its a long shot, but it'd be great if i somehow pull it off.

ok bye.

and then i blinked.

i, am not worried about breaking up. it was written off pretty long ago.

i, am not feeling miserable because mandi is moving on with her life. i dont expect her life to stand still along with mine.

i, was not prepared to be a platoon sergeant in my final exercise.

Nor was i prepared for how busy hall life would be for her. and consequently how little time we would have together.

it is i would say, one of the most challenging stages in our relationship. more so for me.

yet. i know whats the right thing to do.

i know what kind of boyfriend i want to be.

i know what we want from this relationship.

i know what i have to do.



Here we are
Unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you.


i love you mandi.

hair today?

ahhh. the thought of a shaven headed me has been haunting me more and more the past few days. on one hand its such a pussy thing to be worrying and dreading about. yet on the other ( and many friends will testify to this ) i've had this hair since forever! save for a period of time in primary school when i thought that the centre parting was the coolest 'chill' thing in the world, my hair has always looked like this! knnbccbolnnpkkb.

oh well. shudders. hope it turns out.... bearable lah huh? anyway i've been feeling my head and i've decided to believe that it is perfectly symetrical and therefore i will look like thierry henry. especially with the lips :)

across the universe was great too. watched it with stelli and mandi. quite the something haha.
seoul garden dinner tonight with mandi! haha pig out time.

yes i havent touched this blog in ages. and much has happened since then. haha im sorry!

so here i stand. along with everyone else. and its interesting this time around. its not been like the other starts to the year. when we would have dreaded the night of 1st jannuary. when we would have had to drag ourselves to school the following morning. school uniforms. principles address. the whole thing.

guys , we're off to NS, sooner or later. haha goodness. the notions and feelings attached to it- excitement. dread. fear. curiosity. dread. haha. its the most part of 2 years. and not many of us know what to make of that 2 years. some will bum. some will try to bum. and some will be bummed that they cant bum. its quite a mess really.

ladies are off finding jobs. or lazing around for awhile. perhaps looking at overseas opportunities. some will do uni. some wont.and some wont know which to do. and after u decided whether to study or not, there is of course the task of choosing which course or job to try for. and there are many out there. so its quite a mess, really.


where are we going?

i don'k know,i thought you knew.

no i don't know. lets ask him, maybe he knows.

no he definitely doesn't know.



oh well i hope it's nice when we get there.


yes its messy. but above all that mess, i think its good to just hope for the best. dont be idle and hope for the best of course. you'll just get shit that way. do the best, and then hope for the rest. or pray if you're religious.

hey its worked so far right.

well, maybe this mess isn't so different from the 18 other years of messiness we've been in then.

happy 2008 :)

guilt free fun

its been so long, well two years at least, since i've been able to totally enjoy my holidays, without worry of major examinations, holiday homework yet undone, or projects and presentations to prepare for the coming year.

whew. this holiday so far then has been amazingly fulfilling. no such thing as pointless days where i just stayed home and stoned. even if i was home, at least i'd be playing ps3 with bryan. haha good stuff.

just came back from the youth conference, which was somewhat satisfying and pretty well planned and executed so kudos to the organisers and pple involved. but it still left me not much more spiritually enhanced than i was on day 1. it was a bit of feeling like we were too old for. action songs, and some games that went on throughout the conference. and dont get me wrong, not too old as in like- we're too old and mature to be playing such childish games, but more like too old because we( nigel chris mandi elliot and i ) had been through most if not all of the activities, talks, praise and worship sessions, healing and stuff before.

hmm k perhaps i'd better just speak for myself in case my view isn't shared by all. for me, it just felt like hey, there's only so much serious reflection and healing and reconciliation and 'retreating' that i can take within a certain span of time and so this time i took a pass on the healing bit of the conference.

and of course praise and worship has never really been a huge interest of mine. i suppose for some, a small number, praise and worship carries alot of meaning. to me it just feels like a facade of prayer.. kinda. like once the song winds down and the music stops, there's no more " glorifying god" feeling. its like some people are content enough with jumping about, singing at the top of their lungs praising a God whom they feel they love. some do of course, some genuinely do. but others just love to use praise and worship as a means to get their spiritual high. and thats it. for some.



on a lighter note, my first and only prom was very enjoyable :) friends dressed up looking their best, talking laughing reminiscing. the corsage sat prettily on mandi's arm, and i can say she was extremely pleased about it :) the drive there was luxurious, courtesy of ning. and finally post prom was an eye opener. haha yupp.

wildwildwet tomorrow! :)